A new season, a new characater.

So the seasons have changed, and so have we.

Hello adventurers, we are well met I hope.  It has been many moons since I decided to enter this world of reality and fantasy.  Better late than never!

When last we met I was dealing with the crush anxiety.  Guess what I still am!!!  I still like him bunches.  He hasn’t joined a D&D session yet, but I won’t stop asking.  I have however asked him on an official date.  my heart is beating rather fast just thinking about it.  I think I adore this feeling as much as I dread it.  I smile a lot which is great!  I also have that tendency to over think the entire ordeal.  I fight the latter as much as possible, sadly I don’t always win.

I’ve lost weight!!!  There is some good news.  About 50 pounds!  Not close to any goal, but it’s a great start.  I may gain this all back.  I have decided to make 2 of the most ridiculous choices of my life recently.  1.  Give up meat entirely for Lent.  The thought was noble, it hasn’t felt noble at all.  It has made me cranky.  2.  I’m trying to quit smoking cigarettes.  This one,  worst idea EVER!!!!!  I know, I know it’s great for my health in the long run.  Not so good for my stress and anxiety.  It causes problems with my food consumption.  I will bored eat.  Then when I actually have a meal I question why I eat at all.  It leads back to that cigarette.  Such problems!

So in summation:  I have been making steps that seem to be leading nowhere.  Go me!!!!

Now that that section has been covered we move to the return of Dungeons and Dragons!!!!!

This latest game is a bit different.  Our trustworthy and tricksy DM is not playing God in this adventure.  Bestest is.  I will admit I had hesitation.  Not due to Bestest’s ability but the lack of the D&D security blanket that is DM.  She nursed me into this world, with kindness and patience.  She hasn’t left us, but she is making preparations for her next journey into the life of matrimony.  May the Gods be good.

So this session is kids game 2.0.  I am the only one over the age of 15 playing.  I’m not sure if this is something to be admired or pitied.  I’ll take both I guess.  The core group consists of Petrilly(Rilly if we’re friends) my halfling cleric that is a devout follower of Obad-Hai.  She’s a bit of an earthy-crunchy treehugger type.  Then there is  Jae-tei-Jin(The Boy’s new character), he’s a monk from the order of the Monkey King.  We have a half-elf(Girl 1’s school friend)that seems to be battling some sort of depression.  He goes by the name Hephaestus.  A fighter by trade, though I fear he is afraid of actually getting into battle to hack and slash.  Something to work on.  Lastly we have Vadania(Girl 1).  An elf rogue  with a bit of a chip on her shoulder.  That’s the main party.  Though we did have guest yesterday.  She goes by Lia(Girl 1’s best friend.).  She is Vadania’s sister.  An elf Bard.  A little timid, but my bard was the same way.

I will say that this session was excellent!  Bestest went all out.

The game started in a monastery where Jae-tei-Jin received a scroll.  Asking for his aid and assistance in the town of Kingsholm.  I believe he accepted to prove to his order that he will and can be the next Monkey King.  He immediately set off alone to this town and had some encounters on his own.  I see a lack of self worth in him, he fears much.

Then we visited my home away from home.  I live in the Celestial Valley.  It’s a camp of all classes and races living harmoniously with nature.  I felt the winds pull me into the teachings of Obad-Hai.  While embracing those teachings my path became clear.  I must use my body, mind and heart to spread his teachings.  I’m training to be a cleric.  Part of my training is living out on my own, becoming one with nature.  Accepting his teachings, living them.

I received a scroll one morning, telling me that Obad-Hai has a greater purpose for me!  I was chosen!  I must make my way to a town name Kingsholm and I must seek out a monk in training.  He has potential for greatness, and I’m required to help him find it.  I knew this day would come!!!  If I believed hard enough  Obad-Hai would entrust me with such a task.

I set out on my journey.  To fulfill destinies call.  The journey will not be easy,  and it’s a good thing I accepted that part because I found myself face to face with a pseudodragon.  I killed it, mercifully.  The pain and suffering  was overbearing….

I sent him over to the other plain, and I knew we would meet again.  I collected his tear as a reminder of the hard choices I will have to make on this journey.

I rested, and set out again.  This time it was not a dragon that happened across my path, but a very large human in robes.  No armor at all.  He stepped on me.  That was how I came to find Jae-tei-Jin.  I told him of my path and how it had led me to him.  He seemed to accept this.  I’m honestly not sure if he totally understood me.  But that is a technicality.  I’ve blessed him, and I’m trying to instill one lesson,  FOCUS!  This is not easy for him, but I’m the chosen one for this task, and he will exceed in this.  Obad-Hai believes, and so do I.

I believe that he sent us a challenge, to show both of us what we are going to be doing.  This challenge came in the form of ravens.  10 to be exact.  I immediately saw his doubt, and I prayed for him.  My thirst for knowledge grows/Lend me your wisdom and bury OUR doubts.

He stumbled through, but I tried to be a rock.  No second guessing my actions.  And he eventually followed my lead.  I saw the pride when he quieted that inner voice.  We ate well!  10 ravens to be devoured, Obad-Hai be good!!!  We have kept all their feathers, and I will find something extraordinary to do with them.

We eventually set off for Kingsholm.  On our journey we came across 3 fellow travelers.  Elves, and possible half-elf.  I made my presence know immediately because I didn’t want to chance being stepped on again.  They are withdrawn as a group.  I believe this may also be part of my journey.  To shine and find the light in all.  As it happens they are also seeking out Kingsholm.  I sensed hesitance but we traveled together.


I’m going to end this here.  I need to prepare for my real life adventure….going to work.

I am going to say, that  Bestest had sound effects during all of the gameplay which made it so neat!!  When we were in the woods we heard the birds chirping.  When I fought my dragon, there were dragon roars.

Well done Bestest!!!



Out of my comfort zone.

Hello my adventurers.  I know you can’t tell through reading this, but I’m writing it with a lot of pause.  I’m sighing a lot.  I’ve turned to this venue because I really have nowhere else to go.

Life is moving and changing, I along with it.  I have found myself in this stage I have been dreading.  I have a full blown crush on a guy.  It took me by surprise. I have no idea how to handle it.  It has been 9 and half years since I’ve been here.  How to proceed in this world is beyond me.  I find I laugh a lot in his company I pretend to understand some of the things he speaks about.  It’s a daze.

I have some attributes, mainly of the crafting variety, i.e. glue, glitter and paper.  Done!  I will make beauty.  I don’t fail to often when cooking.  I clean very well.  What is not included is my ability to flirt.  I’ve never had it.  Everyone I know can do this simple task.  All I can do make myself available for talks, laugh and pretend to understand things I don’t.

Something peculiar happened the other week, and without thinking I asked him if he would be interested in starting a new D&D game.  He agreed.  It wasn’t until hours later that it dawned on me what I had just done.  Needless to say since that moment I have been having periods of straight up anxiety.

How can I be 36 years old, and have been brought down to the emotional age of a teenager?

That’s it!  Nothing more to share!  I’m a mess!


Look at the time.

How goes it adventurers?  I pray that you’re staying the course.  Sometimes that’s all you can do.

I suppose this is my very late New Years post, or early if you celebrate the Chinese New Year.  So I figure I have arrived to the party right on time.

I will reflect on 2013:  Healing.  Picking up the pieces and accepting.  I didn’t do this alone, which makes me a very lucky girl.  It seemed like it took forever while going through it, but I think I did well.  A lot of crying, secretly and out in the open.  A lot of doubting and fighting with myself and others.  Wading through emotions is not my strong suit.  I can’t pinpoint my reasoning for feeling certain ways at certain times.  I just feel them, and I feel them hard.  Sometimes I believe that the 5 year old and myself are in the same boat emotionally.

This group I’ve surrounded myself pulled me through the muck with laughter, talks and giving me my silence to contemplate or brood in.  Thank you so much!

I made it!

So, 2014 what will we be doing together?  Growing.  Keeping the ball rolling.  I know I can do this.  I will help others figure their stuff out.  I will offer laughter, talks and space.

I evolve.  We all evolve.  We must.  If we don’t, we fall apart.  I have fallen apart enough, no more.

The other day I was walking home, and I felt myself smiling.  No reason really, well that’s a lie.  I got my long overdo girly change of life haircut.  I felt free.  Happy.  Yes, happy.  I thought about what I was doing last year at this time.  I thought of the person I was last year.  A total 180.  Lighter, a pep in my step and a smile on my face.

Rolling 20’s friends.

Oh the places you’ll go!

Hello my fellow adventurers.  How goes the journey?  It has been awhile.

I will not lie to you I think of popping on here often, but my laptop has been out of commission, and the thought of hopping on the PC to blog with people always walking by me, is well off putting.  It’s not as though what I write on here is super personal, and they all will have the ability to read it once I click that publish button.  Just a quirk of mine I guess.  I lucked out today, there is no one here today so…….

There are so many things knocking around upstairs in my mind I haven’t a clue where to begin.

Let me start with the thrilling news that we will be playing D&D in two days time!  Very excited!  I might’ve forgotten how to play, but I don’t care.  Here’s what I need to remember:  I’m a dwarf warrior with a hatred towards all orcs.  AAAARRRRGGGG!!!!  Lets drink!  Lets battle!  And then we can drink again!

My mind and soul have been tempered for the most part, there have been hiccups of course.  Though if we were to compare it to lets say 6 months ago, I’m phenomenal.

I’m still 36, single and living with Bestest and her beautiful children.  I have acquired a job.  Nothing spectacular, awful pay.  But, for right now it works.  It has many purposes:  Gets me out of my head, out of the house and I get paid.

It has been a year since I came here. Sadly there was no anniversary party.  How about a little cake to celebrate my leap to a new life.  Jeesh.  I celebrated in my head, and I guess that’s all I needed.  I didn’t cry, or sink into a depression which I could have sworn I was going to do.  Nope.  I patted myself on the back for trudging through the mire that is recovery.  Because that is what it was and is.  I’m putting myself back together.  Being alone is no longer torture.  Don’t misunderstand me, I have my moments when I greatly want to have that someone placed in my life who is there just for me.  To have the ability to notice when you are off your game, and the mind to try and make it better.  I’ve shed that person, and now it is up to me to take care of me.  Ideal?  Nah, but what is?

Now, before some people get hurt by this, I’m speaking of that someone who takes it all on as a whole.  I most definitely have people who step up and help in certain areas, I’d say the situations that compromise my sanity,  the emergencies.  And I try to pay them back in the same regards.  I try with all situations.  My greatest strength and weakness:  My “self-sacrificing bullshit” as one has put it.  I’ll own this quality.  Even if it was said to hurt me(which it did).  It’s mine and always has been.  “I ams what I ams.”  No apologies.

So, right now I’m in the waiting place.  To quote Dr. Suess “Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plain to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow.  Everyone is just waiting.  Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.  Everyone is just waiting.”

So, for now that is what I will do, because sometimes that is all you can do.

There is hope.  I have faith that things will change for the better.  They already have.

So, I will finish this up with Suess and “Oh the Places You’ll Go.”  I you’ve never read it, you should!  If you have read it, I suggest a refresher read!

“NO!    That’s not for you!    Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying.  You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.  With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high!  Ready for anything under the sky.  Ready because you’re that kind of guy!      Oh, the places you’ll go!”

I am an interloper.

Hello adventurers.  I hope the journey is being favorable.

I find myself in a mood.  I’d say this wave of feeling crashes over me about once a month or two.  PMS?  Yes, of course.  But, not all that is felt during these monthly surges of high emotion is total bunk.

After my split from Remi, I moved in with Bestest and her family.  I’m currently unemployed, and I seem to be persona non grata in the job market.  I have no home.  I’m squatting in her house.  Sleeping on her couch.  I’m an interloper.

I don’t belong here.  This isn’t my home.  It weighs on me.  I want a home.  My space.  A place that is mine.  When I walk through the door, there will be a silent greeting that’s uniquely for me.  I use to have this.  Alas, not anymore.  I’m homeless.

I could try and go down to Florida, but I would be staying in yet another home, that wasn’t mine.  Yet again, I would be an interloper.  I seem to have honed the skills of a parasite.  I jump from host to host.  At this moment I feel that this is what my life will always be, and it depresses me.  True sadness.  I don’t want to interact with the family I’ve been feeding off of for the past 8 months.  It seems fake, and forced.

I know what I will hear from Bestest, and I refuse to give her the opportunity to say it.  Blah, blah, blah I need you here as much as you need to be here.  It really isn’t true.  She wants me here, because she is waiting for her life to begin with another.  I give her what she isn’t currently able to get from MT(soon to be ex.)  The one she waits for can only do so much, because he’s so far away.  I’m a physical presence, that will listen, care, give advice, and just overall give a crap.  I guess there is a little need.

The urge is a little more dire due to the high emotions that are sweeping over me, but the urge is there none the less.  It won’t disappear, when the seas have calmed.

I look around, and I listen.  I’m that puzzle piece  that looks like it might fit, but my knobs on the end are just a tad smaller.  Close, but no cigar.

Tomorrow I will look for more jobs, and hope.  Hope for a home.

Ebb and Flow

Hello adventurers.  I hope the journey is being kind.  If it is, please take a moment and recognize it.  If it isn’t, all I can offer is “this to shall pass.”  It always does.

Let me just give a moment of silence for the loss of my D&D sessions.  Like with all situations that involve a group, there is a 50/50 chance that drama will rear it’s ugly head.  My group landed in that unfortunate half.  It happens.  A bit sad, but what can I do?

Since my last my post I can’t say that a lot has transpired, but my heart and spirit went from deflated to extremely full in the course of 6 days.  It’s the ebb and flow of life.

Here’s the ebb:  The 4th of July brought me pain.  It would’ve been my 9 year anniversary with Remi.  This was a bit difficult to navigate around.  I started the day off strong, convinced that the weight associated with this day wouldn’t weigh me down.  I felt good.  As time passed it started to set in.  Then I broke down.  My heart was beaten down, my spirit marred.   Memory can be cruel sometimes.   Then I realized that there was going to be company coming over, which made me freak out a bit more.  I don’t like being emotional in front of people.  I had to rely on Bestest to throw me an Ativan and talk to me about “The Sopranos.”  It worked.  It dulled my senses enough to embrace the day for what it was.  The 4th is Independence Day.  I have to embrace my independence from Remi.  Viva la vida!

Now the flow: Today I finally received a response from the fella from “No regrets.”  Took him long enough.  I would like to say that I calmed after writing the post.  I didn’t.   I think it took a solid week for the heart flutters to stop.  I was losing my mind.  Just respond!  He took his time.  I thought I spooked him.  I didn’t mean to.  I took hold of this opportunity with so much zest I can only imagine what went through his brain, because I kind of scared myself.  I calmed a bit.  I did keep checking my messages, but I was reserved about it.  Today I heard my phone buzz, and there it was.

Very well thought out and written(thanks for showing me up fella).  It was kind and sweet.  We also messaged each other back and forth for a bit.  It filled my heart and spirit back up.  Not because of any sort of romantic notions, just because I put myself out there and I didn’t get trampled.  He received a piece of my heart and he was kind with it.  It felt nice.  That is all you can hope for, that those you share yourself with will take what you give them and treat it with tenderness.  So, thank you fella.

I’m a sensitive girl, and I hurt easily.  Being an adventurer of life is quite overwhelming, but every once in a while there are tender moments.  So, keep on keeping on.  That is my Optimism Revolution.

No regrets.

Hello my fellow adventurers of life.  It’s been a little while since I showed my face around these parts.  I haven’t had anything transpire in the physical world, my mental world or my emotional world.  Everything has mainly been on an even keel.  Good, yes?

This post is about me seizing an opportunity that I’ve been searching for, for a very long time.

How to start.  When I was 17 I met a fella through common acquaintances and/or friends.  He was cool, sweet and adorable.   I remember his head being full of ringlets.  They were dyed red, because you could see the blond roots.  I loved his hair!  I too have been drawn to some great hair. 😉

Back to this fella, I viewed him as nothing more than a friend.  I also assumed that, that is all we would ever be.  I think at this point I started to  come to the realization that I needed to stop romanticizing relationships I had with guys, it didn’t seem to be serving me in any positive way.  It still doesn’t.

In this mindset I found spending time with him to be carefree and comfortable, and I started to hang around with him outside of the group gatherings.  I remember having a good time with him.  He was great.  Him and this friend of his who looked like Jesus.  I also wouldn’t be able to forget him, because he took me out for my 18th birthday(you don’t forget 18).  I will admit, that as hard as I tried not to, I did crush on him a bit.

These nights would soon end.  One night we went out and per usual we met up with Jesus.  Also per usual we partook in smoking the herbal delight.  I think we were in a van.  My memory is a little fuzzy.  At some point this fella asked me out.  The girl I was, freaked out mentally.  I was literally a deer in headlights.  I didn’t know what just happened, I didn’t know why it was taking place in front of Jesus.  My answer was “no.”  Absolutely no thought was put into it.  It was all reaction to my being uncomfortable.  He put me on the spot in front of an audience while I was high.  Why?

When I was safe in my bedroom, I cried into my pillow.  I cried for being scared.  I cried for the inevitable loss of this fella.  I cried because I said “no.”  How could I do that?  I didn’t mean it.  I wanted to find him and tell him I didn’t mean it.  I was too embarrassed.  I felt like a fool.  I liked him, a lot.  I cock-blocked myself.  GO ME!  I’m really good at that.

So, that was the end of our friendship.  I saw him once after that.  He was working at a convenience store.  I went in I saw him, and I was going to drop to my knees and apologize and tell him the truth of the matter.  Then he introduced me to his girlfriend.  I kept it to myself.

Haven’t seen him since.  Life went on, as it will.  I had some not so nice things happen, and I had some great times.  Through out all of the time passed I never forgot, about this one mistake.  “My mistake.”

I randomly would do searches for him, to no avail.  He would come up in conversations.  My heart would always get sad.  Is he “the one that got away”?  I don’t know.  I can’t know.  I screwed it up.  I remember telling Remi when we first started dating.  He laughed, said it was a bit cruel.  But, could totally see me doing it.  At the end of the Remi relationship, I started going through all the messed up relationships I have had.  What if that could’ve been the one relationship that wasn’t a wreck.  Useless thinking, but inevitable sometimes.

This past Friday I was hanging out with Girl 1, and out of nowhere I received a Facebook friend request.  IT WAS HIM!  He found me.  I swear, all of my insides jumped.  My nerves came alive.  I became totally aware of everything around me.  I hopped out of my chair, went and yelled to Bestest that he was my Facebook friend.  She was unaffected.  I guess, the depth of this was lost to her.

We did the “how are you?”  It was nothing impressive.  I slept on it.  I woke, and the entire day my mind was preoccupied with this fella, and his return(even if only in the Facebook world.).  I must do something.  I must seize the opportunity.  So I did.  I hopped on my messaging and told him.  It wasn’t very eloquent, or articulate.  It was truth and an apology.  A bit awkward?  Of course it was, that’s how I roll.

I spent all day yesterday glued to my phone, checking my Facebook for a reply.  Nothing.  Arg!  I cursed Facebook.  I decided that I was becoming a slave to it and all of technology.  A bit overdramatic.  I just wanted something.  I know he saw it.  Damn that aspect of Facebook as well.

So, it’s Monday, and the itch is kind of still there.  I find myself checking my messages.  What am I expecting?  No idea.  I will share this post on my Facebook like I always do, and I don’t know if he will read it.  I’m hoping no.  Like I need to come off anymore insane than I already have.  If he does, well….SURPRISE again!  Aren’t you glad you decided to friend me?  Oh lordy!

All this aside, I’m proud of myself.  I put myself out there.  I needed to, I was deathly afraid, and I did it anyway.  I think it’s a bit easier because there is an impersonal aspect involved.  I don’t know if I would’ve had the balls to do it face to face.  I would like to say “of course.”  but I know me.

Hey, whatever course I took, I did it!  No regrets!


Two posts in one day.  How can it be?  Well, I had some waffles and coffee.  I think I’m good to go.

I have been receiving texts from Bestest’s oldest the past hour.  She is helplessly and totally gaga for this boy we call Johnny E.  Luckily for her, he feels the same about her.  It is soooo adorable.  I get giddy for her.

She can’t stop thinking about him.  He writes her the sweetest notes.  It is young love.  It is new love.  It is the best thing one can ever feel.  In my opinion.  I’m so jealous!

This love is all consuming.

I can feel it radiate from her, and it makes me dive into memory and recall that feeling.  The funny thing is, I can.  I’m able to relive that experience through my memories.  It’s very hard to remember a lot of things and exactly how it feels, but love doesn’t seem to fade.

It’s dreamy and tingly. It’s heightened senses.  It’s adrenaline, and dopamine rushing through you.  You can’t eat.  You don’t want to sleep.  This person becomes euphoric beauty.

The need to touch them.  The over analyzation of how and when to touch them.  When and how to kiss them.  And when you finally do, it’s bliss.  You just want to mold yourself into them.  The thought that you will eventually have to separate is unbearable.

FUCK!  It’s electric!  Sorry for the profanity, but that is the ONLY word I can come up with.

She may get sidetracked for some very soft hair, but her mind is still on Johnny E.  He is the end all and be all.  She sleeps with his sweatshirt(I wouldn’t be surprised if she sleeps in it.)

I love it.  I thought it would make me sad, but it doesn’t.  It gives me hope.  The fact that I am moved by this means my mind and heart are not closed to it ever happening again.

I don’t know how to end this post, I just want to keep repeating.  I won’t.  I’ll let my mind do it quietly.

I love LOVE!

16 year itch.

Happy Monday/Tuesday(depending on where you are located.)!  Today is recovery of the day of recovering.  Some may say “Huh?”, so I will give a quick summary.

Saturday Bestest had a tiny get together, D&D people and her wonderful sister.  The D&D group were trying to prepare Bestest for their upcoming adventure.  I kept an eye on the little ones and grilled for everyone’s dining pleasure(Except for Bestest and myself.  We decided not to eat.  Brilliant!).  I started to get the dishes done when Metal M(DM’s hubby) ordered me outside to drink with all of them.  I tried making up excuses.  I quickly realized that he wasn’t going to budge.

So, it began.  Shots of Moonshine with a Screwdriver chaser.  The succession of shots seemed to come quite fast.  My brain may have been trying to warn me to put a stop to the madness.  I, of course ignored it.  I’m pretty sure the rest of this story is quite apparent.  I ended up in the bathroom twice.  Once with an entourage of the two little ones.  Which I might add was extremely surreal.  I was purging, and giving them the thumbs up with a fake smile simultaneously.  They wanted to make sure I was alright.  I told them something about a stomach ache, directed them to Spider-man and barely made it to a bed.

Needless to say, yesterday was a complete wash.  The day was me sitting outside smoking, and alternately drinking coffee and water.  I then moved to the couch and slipped in and out of sleep.  Back outside.  Then back inside, watched some Doctor Who, became quite emotional.  Went back out.  Returned to the couch and watched some of Game of Thrones, and went to sleep.

I realized the last time I was at this point of drunkenness, I was 20(16 years ago.).  Went out with a friend to another get together played drinking games.  Decided to drive home.  I thought I was fine until I hit the highway.  Got off said highway and parked my car in what I thought was a church parking lot.  Bestest’s step father came to pick me up.  He also retrieved the car for me.  Come to find out, I parked on the front lawn of the church.

So, no more drinking like that until I’m 52.  That is a solid plan.  Every 16 years I can get totally shit faced.  Hopefully I remember to eat.


Yesterday, turned out to be a hard day for Bestest.  My heart went out to her.

She is getting divorced, and though the fact that her hubby would eventually leave was known, it was still an abstract idea until last night.  He took her aside and announced that he would be leaving in two weeks.

She was upset for a multiple of reasons, I think the main one being that their 8 year relationship was ending.  She knew it was ending, but endings are hard no matter who initiates them.  There is nothing that can be done about that.  I can’t ease it, I can’t silverline it.  It’s a deep soul ache.

The one thing that seemed to break her down was that she didn’t know if she could sleep alone in bed.  She thought it sounded silly, but I truly understood.  This simple action still upsets me on a regular basis.  Basically every night I feel a pang in my heart at the fact that  I go to sleep alone.

I don’t know how important bed was to her and hubbies routine.  Bed was definitely an  important part of my life routine with Remi.  It was the place where we just hung out and bonded.  We’d watch TV together there, I’d sing every song that appeared in a commercial to him there,  tickle fights happened there, it’s where we discussed everything and nothing.  This was just the portion where we were awake.

When it was time to sleep, it was comfort.  If I was cold I could snuggle up to him.  If it was hot, we would just fall asleep holding hands.  If he fell asleep before me, I would lie there and watch him.  His lips would do this pucker when he slept and it would make me giggle.  To listen to him talk or laugh in his sleep.  I would talk to him while he slept, things I couldn’t say when he was awake.  When I was ready to finally sleep, I had to make sure there was some sort of physical contact, it made me feel safe.

I had a little over 8 years of this myself, and when it went away, it was the hardest part to deal with.

I wanted to tell her that I don’t know if it gets easier.  But I don’t know how important bed was to them.  She might have an easier transition, or harder.  But I didn’t say anything, because that wouldn’t have helped her last night.

How important is bed to you?  Is it a place you must go to end your day?  Or is it a place you want to go, because it is a necessary part of your day?

Any change in that arena is hard to deal with.  I just wish I knew how to fix it for her and myself.